To Get Your Free , Yes Free flying Lesson! A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying,
and about flying when he's with a woman.
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your pillow."
The Difference Between Airplanes and Women:
An airplane will kill you quick . . .
a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.
(from Australian Aviation magazine):
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propellor is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
19. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
20. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
21. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
We had just landed,and was refuling the Archer rental. As we put the fuel in the plane, my instructor suddenly slapped the back of his neck. When he looked in his hand, their lying was a large mosquito. "Dam" he said "the mosquito's are big this year." I looked at him and replied, "hell you don't know what a large one is. One time I was working in the NWT in Canada and I had 30 gallons of fuel in one beforeI I relised it wasn't an airplane."
A CFI buddy of mine was asked to give a discovery flight to a potential student in a C150. He told the guy he would meet him at the plane and that there was a seat cushion behind the seat if he needed a little lift to see over the panel. Well,the CFI comes out to the mighty C150 heavy to find his "student" sitting BEHIND the front seat on (you guessed it) the extra seat cushion.
One warm and beautiful spring day Pierre and his lovely girlfriend were sitting alongside the River Seine in Paris enjoying a picnic lunch. After lunch, Pierre became aroused and decided to entice Marie into a little fourplay. As they were kissing, Marie became increasingly excited and she said to Pierre, "Oh Pierre kiss me." So Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine from the basket and pours it on Marie's lips and she asks, "Why do you do this strange thing Pierre?" He calmly and smoothly replies. "My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I have red meat, I like to have red wine." As Marie is becoming more and more aroused she says, "Oh Pierre kiss me lower!" To which Pierre obliges her and begins to kiss on her breasts. Without hesitation Pierre reaches for the basket and pulls out a bottle of white wine and pours it on her breasts. "Why Pierre?" she asks, to which he calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Fighter Pilot and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." She cannot hold herself back any longer and she tells him, "Oh Pierre kiss me lower!" Suddenly Pierre pulls out a bottle of Cognac, pours it on her bush and lights it on fire. Marie screams at the top of her lungs, "Why Pierre, why?" To which Pierre calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames."
Overheard at Airport.
A student pilot had just received clearance for departure from Orlando. The controller told him to make an immediate right turn after departure for noise abatement. The student was flying a Cessna 172 and was confused by the request for noise abatement. So he called the tower: "Orlando tower, Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, please verify how a 172 can be involved in noise abatement." "Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, because if you don't turn right now, it's gonna make a hell of a noise
when that 747 on final hits you!"
Q. What is the difference between a co-pilot and a duck?
A. The duck can fly..
An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked. Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?" "Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years." "I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?" "Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!" "But once you're aloft?" "Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself." "But I still don't see how you land!" "Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"
A Flying students' diary.. Week 1
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. I Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment. :)
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on take off because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancee’s house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise! :)
Week 4
Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did take off stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."
A flight attendant is on the red-eye to Manitoba when a water leak develops in the galley, which eventually soaks the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who becomes aware of the dampness tugs at the attendant's skirt as she passes by. "Has it been raining?" she asks the flight attendant. Keeping a straight face, she replies, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the woman then goes back to sleep.
The best joke I know dealing with the word Superman is the true story about Muhammand Ali. Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." She responded, "Superman don't need no plane."
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess and said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."
Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer,"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed back there when my wife fell out."
A door-to-door salesman calls a house and a little boy answers the phone whispering "Hello?" "Yes" the salesman says, "May I speak to your Mother?" "No" says the boy still whispering "She is busy" "OK may I speak to your Father" "No, he's busy too." "Well is there anybody else there?" asks the salesman "Yes." the boy whispers, "There are 5 cops and 15 firemen." "Well son, let me speak to one of the cops. "I can't", says the boy, "they are all busy." "Ok, how about one of the firemen ?" "No" the boy whispers, "they are all busy." "What the hell are they doing?" asks the salesman "Well", the boy whispers "right now they're looking for me."
A lady buys a coach ticket on a plane bound for Jamaica and proceeds to sit down in 1st Class. A stewardess asks her to move back to coach but the woman looks at the stewardess and just says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm riding in 1st class to Jamaica. Flustered, the stewardess asks the copilot for help. He says, "Excuse me, may I see your ticket?" After glancing at the ticket he says to the blonde, "I'm sorry but you'll have to move back to the coach section of the plane." "No" she says, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm riding 1st class to Jamaica!" Not sure just what to do, the copilot tells the pilot about the matter. "Not to worry" says the pilot, who gets up and walks back to 1st class where the blonde is seated. The pilot leans over and whispers in the blonde's ear upon which she stands up, collects her carry-ons, and goes and sits down in her coach section seat. Bewildered, the stewardess and co-pilot ask the pilot, "What did you say to her?" The pilot turns and says,"Oh,Ijust told her 1st class wasn't flying to Jamaica."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"